just remember, you are awesome!
I haven’t written in such a long time. I think my last personal post was in May or even earlier. These past few weeks wasn’t at all easy for me, I went through a very difficult time in my professional life. Nothing worked out the way it should, or at least that was how it felt.
Have you ever had that feeling where you just don’t feel like you’re doing anything right no matter how hard you try. You just can’t seem to get that winning photo that convinces you that your shoot was a success. You’re not doing your happy dance or getting that high pitched voice of excitement on any of your shoots. Now that is exactly where I was, and it sucks. I always blog about how excited I get and how I freaked out on shoots and embarrass myself in front of a couple with awkward dance moves, and now suddenly that stopped happening.
I realised I wasn’t a happy person anymore. And I couldn’t get to the root of it, I didn’t know where the problem came from or how to start dealing with it. The only thing I could think of was to spend more time with my loved ones. And the realisation of this unfolded the root of the problem. I realised I didn’t have a personal life anymore. My life revolved around my job, and as much as I love photography, there is so much more to me as Dehan than just photography. I actually really love running, I love spending time with my loved ones, maybe more than anything else. I love eating, that is why I actually need to run, because eating became a hobby (thank you Christine for introducing me to good food :D) I have a deep appreciation for craft beer, I love going to markets and spent time with friends, and the most important one of all, I love spending time with God. Without his guidance and Grace I wouldn’t have been anywhere near where I am today.
After I came to the realisation that I needed to see my family, I quickly booked a flight to Johannesburg to go and visit them. It was a very quick and impulsive decision (something you know I do regularly if you have read some of my previous personal posts). I cannot begin to describe how amazing that was, I kept it a secret to most of my family, and surprised them at a family braai the first night. I spent time with my whole family, I caught up on everything I missed the past four months. After my time on the farm I felt like myself again. I felt ready to take on the last few months of the year. And the best part, I didn't take my camera with me. Only my iPhone for family selfies :)
I became stuck in the trap I was in because I lived off the praise of other people. I constantly measured my “success” to how many likes a photo received on Instagram or Facebook, or how many people I know praised me on my photos. Looking back I cannot believe I did that, I’m doing my photography to reach but three people only, firstly my client, second myself, and only then a new potential client. And that’s that. I don’t need to get countless likes on my Facebook Page or my Instagram account from all over the world. I have to admit, it’s fun seeing the tiny dots from all over the world on Google Analytics reading my posts and browsing my website, but I’m not chasing that anymore. I want to be the best photographer by my own measures I can be, not by the measures of other people and living to their standards of what success is.